Cleave Unto Your Spouse

So many times in a new marriage, creating a balance of your relationship with your family and in laws can be tough. You grew up in one family and now you are connected to two families, with different schedules, holiday gatherings and traditions and so on. To add to that, a lot of spouses come from divorced families, creating an even more hectic dynamic. Trying to establish your marriage and your relationships with the extended family can be difficult. Sometimes, it could seem like it is a matter of life and death.

In James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen’s Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families they stated, “Elder Ashton reminded us that in cleaving to a spouse, married children should be faithful and supportive to their spouses, but not forget their parent” (pg 327). With that said they strongly urged to remember that you are now married. Your spouse is your partner and you need to make life, family and marital decisions with your spouse and not your parents. Parents can urge you or try to control your decisions in children, jobs and so forth by trying to still have a handle on your life. You need to separate from that while not distancing yourself completely with your family. This can be extremely difficult for a wife or husband who is particularly close with a mother or father. You have to find a balance and establish boundaries to better create a strong marital foundation with you and your husband.

You want to have the most successful and happy marriage that you can. You must realize that for that to work, it's no longer just about you and your family. It is now you and your husband and everything he is bringing to the table. That mean's his past, hist traditions and his family. It will be a important key, to take the time to talk with your husband and learn to think about them to find a common ground.

Become One

I have talked before about the roles of a husband and a wife. They are different but the two vital roles should play as equal partners. But a marriage is not a 50-50. If we base our ideas on the concept that marriage is about equality and splitting it 50-50 we are doomed to fail. We have to come together and both do our best to give a 100%. President Henry B Hyring said, "Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity."

With this said, It is not just us each trying to give 100% it is making up for your spouse when they can't give a hundred percent. If we are suppose to become one, then you have to be the extra 20% if your spouse can only give 80% and so on. We have to work hard to complete one another not just giving out part and walking away for the situation or the day. We must serve one another and pick each other up when one of us can't stand on our own. We all have bad days, get tired, or are stressed, so we need to work hard to be there for each other and become one.

The sacred blessing of Physical Intimacy

When it comes to the lds church and sexuality, we believe in it we don’t hate it. There has been a huge generalization throughout the church and through people who are not a part of the church, who believe that we see sex as a sin. This is wrong. Sex is not a sin, sexual relations outside of marriage is a sin. It is the act of taking something that is so sacred, beautiful and a gift from god, to share with your spouse, and using it only out of lust with someone that you have not meant to be with for eternity. In partaking in these actions, you are tearing down and purposely stripping away the deeper spiritual beauty of Sexuality.

This misunderstanding is a huge thing that prophets and leaders of the church have tried to address. President Hugh B. Brown said, “The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose.” If we believe and are raised to believe to fear Sex. That it is a sin and the only purpose of it is to bear children, we are missing out on such a crucial and wonderful gift that we are given y God. We don’t need to fear it, or never speak of it. We should rejoice it. We should love our spouse, be spiritual and physically intimate, and love deeply, just don’t misuse or take the blessing for granted and use it in ways it is not meant for.

Tear Down Your Walls

A common issue I see in couples these days is the fact that they are so focused on their dreams and ideas for their future independently, that they build up these walls in between them and their spouses. Having a dream is a wonderful thing. It is just how far are you willing to let it affect you and your marriage. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that if you want to go to church and your spouse is athiet that you stop. I am not saying if you want to sing or go into a field of study and your spouse questions it, don’t let them hold you back. What I am saying is, we all make life plans when we are independent, single, on our own, on where our life is going to go. When a partner comes into the picture that plan will have to adapt, because it is not a duo, it is not just you anymore. But are you going to be so stubborn on keeping the plan you made on schedule, that you will build a wall between you and your partner.

I have a friend who is so extremely successful, independent and driven. She has practically planned out how her life is going to go. She wants to go to this school to get her Bachelors, this to get her masters, she wants to become a CEO , all these things, which are wonderful dreams to have! But she also wants someone who is already successful. Who is just as smart and talented and has his life together. That is another dream. She has recently found an amazing gentleman who is loving, caring, and they work so well together. However, even though he has ambitions, his grades aren’t the best, he hasn’t finalized on a career path and a major and so on, and this is making her build a wall in between her and him because her dream was supposed to be this successful intelligent man.

The guy just got done with his first year of school after a mission and took some very hard classes. He jumped right in when he wasn’t ready. He has plans and wants to support and provide it is just going to take time. But the fact that he is not where she wanted him to be when they were to be married, she is building this wall. She is so incredibly happy with him, but because of her idea and dream she made of her life when she was single and he hadn’t walked into her life. She questions walking away.

My point is, is this particular dream worth breaking hearts or throwing away something great, because it is not what you planned or initially wanted? If your spouse is not what you expected or they aren’t as clean, smart, funny, or emotionally connected as you had wished for, are you going to let that get in the way, or are you going to step back, adapt reevaluate and learn to live and love the things about them that weren’t what you expected?

It is your choice, but my advice is to learn to love them.

You are not marrying a walk in the park

When we find a person that we love and want to spend the rest of eternity with, sometimes we forget that we are also marrying issues, baggage, and a person who has different opinions, ideas, and habits than yourself. We all grow up with different backgrounds. Our parents taught us different things or we were immersed in different trials. Coming to the conclusion, we are all different. Even if you marry your best friend, someone that you have a lot in common with, there will still be differences in how you live, cope, and deal with different situations.

In John M. Gottman’s Book, The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, Gottman talks about there are two different types of problems that come up in a marriage. There are solvable problems that the couple can actually solve and move on. Then there are perpetual problems that will last your entire marriage. Sadly he stated that 69% of marital problems are actually perpetual problems that you and your spouse will continue to fight about for your entire marriage. But don’t let this scare you!

Just because there are problems or continued problems doesn’t mean that a marriage is unsatisfied. Actually the happiest of marriages have these perpetual problems, they just have noted the problem, learned how to deal or approach the problem, and mindful of the problem. The main thing you need to do is to make sure that you always listen and be mindful of not just your feelings but also your spouses as well.A marriage was never meant to be easy, but you are a team now. Be mindful of them just like you want them to be mindful of you

We are all Equal but Different

In, The Family: The Proclamation to the World, it states, “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” Now I am not about to go into a long speech about how wives are meant for the kitchen and husbands are meant to go to work and provide. What I am getting at, with this quote, is that husband and wives, in their marriage and in their home, have particular roles that they fill (may be flip flopped or divided differently), but even though the rolls are different they are equal partners. For a marriage to work well and in synch, both the husband and the wives need to respect, honor, and listen to one another. If one partner decides that they don’t need to listen or hear the other one, you are doomed to ultimately fail.

I have heard so many times that a marriage is 50-50. However, actually, a marriage should be 100-100. You give it everything you have. But the key is, you work together as a team. Wives need to respect their husbands as well in turn Husband needs to respect their wives. You have to show respect. You have to hear each others opinions, you can’t just make decisions about your life on your own anymore, because your spouse is part of your life now. You are not just deciding for yourself, it is going to affect both of you. If the man is the head of the house hold in your family, not only should the wife support him, but the husband needs to show respect and love towards his wife. If either one of you tries to overpower the other, instead of sharing and being equal partners, you will hurt one of you, if not both. Tearing down the bonds of marriage that you took so hard building up.

Respect, love and care for another. You are both equal partners with different responsibilities. Without both of you, the foundation of your marriage will surely crumble.

Coming Closer in Your Marriage

I once was sitting in Relief Society, a recently turned 18 year old, surrounded by woman from 6-60 years older than myself. I was the only single woman in the room and I was nowhere close to getting married. The lesson we were being taught, was how to strengthen your relationship with your husband and bring a good foundation of the Gospel in your home. Needless to say, I didn’t have much knowledge on the particular subject. The sister that was teaching that Sunday, started off one of her points in the lessons by saying, “My husband and I have absolutely nothing in common, we don’t like the same hobbies or the same shows, so I was faced on the decision on how to grow closer to my husband…” Now I, being a not so mature individual, accidentally, and quite rudely, let out a whisper snotty remark about something a long the lines of, “Nothing in common,Whaa, did you guys go your single, I’m single, lets have babies!” Now other than the fact that it wasn’t the nicest thing to say, and that my what I thought whisper, traveled far enough that most of the room heard me, I was not justified in my comment. Actually, I was completely wrong to jump to the conclusion and opinion that I made.


There are many people, I have found, who get married and have almost nothing in common. The husband likes sports or gaming, the wife likes reading and music. They do not share the same hobbies or styles, but yet fell in love and wanted to spend all their life together. It very well i,s that having things in common will make the marriage a bit easier, but don’t mean that you are doomed without it. John M. Gottman, in his book, The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, talked about “Four Pillars of Shared Meaning” These including, Shared rituals in connection, like eating together at dinner. Traditions or weekly traditional gatherings to spend with each other and family. Being able to talk with each other and get to know each other and the struggles of each days draws you closer together. This can strengthen your marriage.


The next pillar being to “support each other's roles”. You and your spouse both play a part as husband and wife or mother and father. You each have roles. I don’t mean wife's in the kitchen and husbands at work. What I am trying to say, is when you get married you take on different roles that both of you will decide or naturally fall into. To become closer, you must support each other and have each other’s backs. Don’t throw someone under the bus or leave them hanging when they need help.


Number three, “Shared goals”. If you haven’t yet talked about it, sit down and figure out what your goals are for your marriage, your family, and your kids. What do both of you want to happen or strive to become. What do you want to maintain? What do you want to change? Figure out theses goals together and work towards them together. When both you and your spouse know where you are headed, you will naturally come closer together when trying to receive and accomplish those set goals.


Lastly, “Shared values”. Now not all the time are the husband and wife the same religion and beliefs. We all have different ideas and opinions. Surely having common beliefs will definitely help create a strong bond and foundation for the marriage and your family. But if this is not the case you can also sit down with your spouse and decide, what values do we want in our home? When both of you know and work towards those values it also makes you come closer together.


Having a lot in common, in the sense of what you like to do for fun, is not a make or break for marriage. Carve out time every week and/or every day to really just spend time with one another. Even if that just means over food (Which is always a delicious choice). Figure out where both of you want to go, how you want to live and support each other all the way. Make a marriage that is strong together.

Make a Love Map

A key to a happy marriage is to know your partner. This might sound simple and a bit over said. But it is crazy to think, how many marriages have issues with just having knowledge of their spouse. I don’t mean favorite food, or tv show, but goals, aspirations, and deep memories of childhood. To have a deeper understanding of your partner not only will help your marriage, but it will also give it the foundation it needs to help travel through the storms that may come.


The art to understanding your partner is, in John M. Gottman’s words, creating a “love Map”. It is the part of your brain that “Stores all the relevant information” on your partner. This is important to understand and help guide through everyday activities. As well, just like actual maps, it needs to be upkept and updated. As you continue to grow, both of you will start to change. Problems can arise when you are using old information to deal with new issues. And through knowledge there is strength.


For me, I want a marriage where I am always connected to my spouse even if our schedules are hectic. I don’t want to lose the intimacy or deeper connection that we have because life has made a gap in our time together. By staying connected, and understanding your partner, that is what will make the difference. Your husband or wife had a hard day, leave a nice note, or their favorite treat (Do you know their favorite treat? If no, then find out). Have a date night every week, even if it is just going for a walk in the morning or having a short lunch in between busy schedules.


I have already state that marriage is not a fairy tale. If your marriage feels like that, enjoy it while it lasts, because it won’t always feel like that. You and your spouse need to put in the work and effort into your marriage everyday to stay happy. Building a love map, is one way to make it a bit easier. So please, if you don’t have a love map, start asking each other questions. Get to know your spouse all over again.


And as always, I wish you the best!

Chose to Save Your Marriage

       John M Gottman, in his book, The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, stated “Too often a good marriage is taken for granted rather than given the nurturing and respect it deserves and desperately needs” (pg 5). In so many cases, I have watched people who are close to me, have their marriage crumble to pieces leaving themselves, their spouse, and children left in the rumble of a divorces, confused, hurt, and desperate for answers of why things go wrong. But why do things go so terribly wrong? Especially when things started off so great.
       The answers can lie in many different corners, we are all very different people. However, for a lot of marriages, like Gottman said it is when the marriage is taken for granted and not being nourished by love and respect. For a lot of couples, the dating before the marriage is based on courting, effort, dates, and so forth. When the two get married things change. Slowly the two start to take each other for granted, get frustrated at the little things, and stop trying to court the other. The thing with marriages is that it is not a 50-50 ordeal. Each have to give 100% and continue to work at their marriage.
       As we grow up, like I mentioned in the earlier post, we are told and watch fairy tales. We believe that once we find the person, we will ride off in the sun set into our happily ever after. That after we defeated the villain, it should be sweet and easy the rest of the way. But what the fairy tales didn’t tell you was that prince charming had weird hygiene routines, or that your newborn's would keep you awake at every hour of the day and you would fine baby food and random things is every inch of your house. The lack of information to the average person on how a real marriage should work is part of the problem. We go into a marriage based on false realities that we were taught, not the actual realities marriage is.
       Marriages can be an amazing thing and Gottman said that researchers have shown that married people live four to eight years longer, than those who are not married. There are so many benefits in a marriage. But to get to those benefits you have to be ready to fight, work, and put in the effort in your marriage every day. Not just for the first couple years.

The Problem With Soul Mates

       In this day and age, there are a lot of issues when it comes to the idea of marriage. People believe that divorce is inevitable, that young marriages will never last and that if you save yourself for marriage and don’t live with the person first, the marriage will be ultimately doomed. Why does society see marriage this way? It is almost like marriage has been devalued and chopped down to just a contract on paper that is for a short term pleasure, not an eternal covenant between two people who want to love and cherish each other for the rest of eternity.

       So what is one of the reasons that divorce is becoming such a normal thing in society? Personally, I would say it is the problem with the Soul Mate Quest. At a young age children read and watch fairy tales with princes and princesses. Of finding the one person who is meant to be with them. The idea that fate and destiny will bring us to the one person that we are suppose to end up with, poisons the mind into believe that there is only one person, in this world, that will make us truly happy. Even though, it is a nice idea that there is a person perfect and already predestined for you, it just isn’t true.

      At least in the LDS culture, we believe in finding our eternal companion. The point to emphasize on, is that it is our choice on who are companion is. Truthfully there are many people who are existing and living on this planet, that you can be happy with. That you could laugh hard with, love deeply, and grow together with, to become a truly blissful companionship. Even if you believe that there is someone out there who is one in a million, the worlds population is 7.2 billion people, meaning there are over 7,000 people out there that could be one in a million. My point being, that there is not just one good person out there for you to marry, there are many.

       In saying this, there are people out there that are better for you than others. Although, I believe that two genuinely good people, with a foundation of god and his gospel, who share similar goals, can make a marriage work. They both have to be willing to work at it every day and fight through the mountains that will come, and they can succeed. However, there are individuals out there that a person can and will have a deeper connection with, feel more intimate or closer to and some people will just make us happier than others.

       Now with all this said, I move into why the idea of soulmates is poisoning the minds of this world. If you believe that there is only one person out there that you are meant to be with, that marriage and being together will just fall into place, you are dooming yourself right then and there. I say this, because, if you marry someone, thinking they are your soul mate and a huge trial comes along, you two might start fighting every day. You might stop holding hands, kissing or laughing as much as you use to and you may think the flame has died. It is so easy to think to yourself, this person isn’t my soul mate, that it shouldn’t be this hard, and I picked the wrong person and my actual soulmate is out there somewhere and BOOM you just bought a first class flight straight towards divorce. When honestly, if you both just would have put in the effort and time your marriage, it could have been saved.

       The idea of soulmates is like a little seed, in the back of our minds, that is just waiting to explode on us. Leaving us to make rash decisions that could ultimately take us straight down the path to unneeded pain, regret and depression. Marriage is suppose to be a magnificent beautiful thing. But we forget that it is the work that we put into it that give it the value, not some invisible force of fate. If we start realizing that it is purely our choice, actions and dedication that makes or breaks our marriage, instead of destiny and soul mates, a lot more of us could lead fuller lives with a person that will makes them happy.

To Clear the Air

        I wanted to start with addressing the point the yes I am LDS (Latter Day Saint). So a lot of my posts will be based on or touched with ideas and Ideals from the gospel. To start I will simply address my standings on same sex marriages, just to clear the air from the very beginning.

       This is a very sensitive subject for me in many ways. I grew up as a little child being taught that God loves every one of us. That he would have sacrificed himself, even if it was just for one person. He loves, he has mercy and he forgives. I learned to love our neighbors and our enemies. To judge the sin not the sinner. At the same time, the lord sees the heart of the people when we can only see the outward appearance. Meaning, we don’t truly know everything or everyone. Only god has the right to judge and give judgement on others because he see the heart and the big picture. So basically, I learned to live my life in a way where I loved everyone, and understood that even though I know the sin is wrong I have no right to condemn and judge the person who decided to partake in that sin.

       I believe that marriage was a blessing made and given to a man and a woman. I believe that the temple is sacred and that we should rejoice in the sealing of families and that bonding process of a man and a woman in an eternal marriage. Everything within the church, where we base the standards on the scriptures and church doctrine, should have the fundamental foundation that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. So within the church, within the religious boundaries we have, I believe that we should defend and protect the value of the sacred unity of a marriage between a husband and a wife and also protect the religious rights that we all possess.

       With that said, everything outside of the church and the religious boundaries, I feel very strongly, that I don’t have a right to force people to act in the same standards that I believe or tell them how to live their lives. We were each born with the blessing of free agency to choose how we live our life. There are things in this world that are so far beyond my comprehension which makes it so I have no higher ground to try to dictate how a person decides to live or to love. The church message in the reading on The Divine Institution on Marriage said, “As Church members strive to protect marriage between a man and a woman, they should show respect, civility, and kindness toward others who have different points of view.” I will take this as we need to stand firm and protect our religious rights and standards in the church, but also show respect for those outside of the church that believe and act differently. It is not our place.

       So within the walls of the church and surrounding the gospel. Yes we should fight to make sure that we maintain the religious rights to practice and teach and continue to live by the standards of church doctrine. But outside of the religion, I don’t see how we have any right to try to force someone and take away their agency to choose how they want to live their life. As long as they respect our beliefs, temples and churches, what they chose to do with their life is between them and God NOT me.

        So if you are among the population that are married or in a same sex relationship please understand that I one, will base a lot of posts centered in the gospel, but two, also I have no problem with you or who you are and your partner of choice. I hope that there might be some posts that might benefit or intrigue you.





Thank you all.

To Begin

       Well Hello, to anyone who reads this blog. To better explain the purpose and the title of this blog, let me explain a little about who I am. I am a college sophomore, as of now, and I am majoring in Psychology and minoring in marriage and family studies at Brigham Young University of Idaho. Currently I am enrolled in a marriage course at BYU-I. For this class I am to make a blog, as you see now.
       As you can guess by the name of this blog, I am not married. So if I seem like I don't fully understand, I don't. My blogs are based on what I learn through textbooks, books, and what I have seen through marriages of friends and family. I do a lot of observing of people's actions and what they say and what they do. So even though I might not fully understand the emotions and issues involved, since I am not married, but I have seen and learned a lot by the actions of others.
       The point of this blog is to help give information to those who are looking for, about marriage and common issues and subjects that have to do with marriage. I hope that you enjoy what you read, and you are more than welcome to comment and engage in discussions about the topics. In saying this, I do have a few rules. When commenting please be respectful of others. Keep vulgar language to yourself. Please know that if there are any posts that are vulgar, rude, and not pertaining to the purpose of this blog your comments will be removed. I am more than excited and interested in hearing different views and opinions, but I will not let these comments and discussions become a home for a hostile environment. Thank you!