We are all Equal but Different

In, The Family: The Proclamation to the World, it states, “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” Now I am not about to go into a long speech about how wives are meant for the kitchen and husbands are meant to go to work and provide. What I am getting at, with this quote, is that husband and wives, in their marriage and in their home, have particular roles that they fill (may be flip flopped or divided differently), but even though the rolls are different they are equal partners. For a marriage to work well and in synch, both the husband and the wives need to respect, honor, and listen to one another. If one partner decides that they don’t need to listen or hear the other one, you are doomed to ultimately fail.

I have heard so many times that a marriage is 50-50. However, actually, a marriage should be 100-100. You give it everything you have. But the key is, you work together as a team. Wives need to respect their husbands as well in turn Husband needs to respect their wives. You have to show respect. You have to hear each others opinions, you can’t just make decisions about your life on your own anymore, because your spouse is part of your life now. You are not just deciding for yourself, it is going to affect both of you. If the man is the head of the house hold in your family, not only should the wife support him, but the husband needs to show respect and love towards his wife. If either one of you tries to overpower the other, instead of sharing and being equal partners, you will hurt one of you, if not both. Tearing down the bonds of marriage that you took so hard building up.

Respect, love and care for another. You are both equal partners with different responsibilities. Without both of you, the foundation of your marriage will surely crumble.

Coming Closer in Your Marriage

I once was sitting in Relief Society, a recently turned 18 year old, surrounded by woman from 6-60 years older than myself. I was the only single woman in the room and I was nowhere close to getting married. The lesson we were being taught, was how to strengthen your relationship with your husband and bring a good foundation of the Gospel in your home. Needless to say, I didn’t have much knowledge on the particular subject. The sister that was teaching that Sunday, started off one of her points in the lessons by saying, “My husband and I have absolutely nothing in common, we don’t like the same hobbies or the same shows, so I was faced on the decision on how to grow closer to my husband…” Now I, being a not so mature individual, accidentally, and quite rudely, let out a whisper snotty remark about something a long the lines of, “Nothing in common,Whaa, did you guys go your single, I’m single, lets have babies!” Now other than the fact that it wasn’t the nicest thing to say, and that my what I thought whisper, traveled far enough that most of the room heard me, I was not justified in my comment. Actually, I was completely wrong to jump to the conclusion and opinion that I made.


There are many people, I have found, who get married and have almost nothing in common. The husband likes sports or gaming, the wife likes reading and music. They do not share the same hobbies or styles, but yet fell in love and wanted to spend all their life together. It very well i,s that having things in common will make the marriage a bit easier, but don’t mean that you are doomed without it. John M. Gottman, in his book, The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, talked about “Four Pillars of Shared Meaning” These including, Shared rituals in connection, like eating together at dinner. Traditions or weekly traditional gatherings to spend with each other and family. Being able to talk with each other and get to know each other and the struggles of each days draws you closer together. This can strengthen your marriage.


The next pillar being to “support each other's roles”. You and your spouse both play a part as husband and wife or mother and father. You each have roles. I don’t mean wife's in the kitchen and husbands at work. What I am trying to say, is when you get married you take on different roles that both of you will decide or naturally fall into. To become closer, you must support each other and have each other’s backs. Don’t throw someone under the bus or leave them hanging when they need help.


Number three, “Shared goals”. If you haven’t yet talked about it, sit down and figure out what your goals are for your marriage, your family, and your kids. What do both of you want to happen or strive to become. What do you want to maintain? What do you want to change? Figure out theses goals together and work towards them together. When both you and your spouse know where you are headed, you will naturally come closer together when trying to receive and accomplish those set goals.


Lastly, “Shared values”. Now not all the time are the husband and wife the same religion and beliefs. We all have different ideas and opinions. Surely having common beliefs will definitely help create a strong bond and foundation for the marriage and your family. But if this is not the case you can also sit down with your spouse and decide, what values do we want in our home? When both of you know and work towards those values it also makes you come closer together.


Having a lot in common, in the sense of what you like to do for fun, is not a make or break for marriage. Carve out time every week and/or every day to really just spend time with one another. Even if that just means over food (Which is always a delicious choice). Figure out where both of you want to go, how you want to live and support each other all the way. Make a marriage that is strong together.

Make a Love Map

A key to a happy marriage is to know your partner. This might sound simple and a bit over said. But it is crazy to think, how many marriages have issues with just having knowledge of their spouse. I don’t mean favorite food, or tv show, but goals, aspirations, and deep memories of childhood. To have a deeper understanding of your partner not only will help your marriage, but it will also give it the foundation it needs to help travel through the storms that may come.


The art to understanding your partner is, in John M. Gottman’s words, creating a “love Map”. It is the part of your brain that “Stores all the relevant information” on your partner. This is important to understand and help guide through everyday activities. As well, just like actual maps, it needs to be upkept and updated. As you continue to grow, both of you will start to change. Problems can arise when you are using old information to deal with new issues. And through knowledge there is strength.


For me, I want a marriage where I am always connected to my spouse even if our schedules are hectic. I don’t want to lose the intimacy or deeper connection that we have because life has made a gap in our time together. By staying connected, and understanding your partner, that is what will make the difference. Your husband or wife had a hard day, leave a nice note, or their favorite treat (Do you know their favorite treat? If no, then find out). Have a date night every week, even if it is just going for a walk in the morning or having a short lunch in between busy schedules.


I have already state that marriage is not a fairy tale. If your marriage feels like that, enjoy it while it lasts, because it won’t always feel like that. You and your spouse need to put in the work and effort into your marriage everyday to stay happy. Building a love map, is one way to make it a bit easier. So please, if you don’t have a love map, start asking each other questions. Get to know your spouse all over again.


And as always, I wish you the best!

Chose to Save Your Marriage

       John M Gottman, in his book, The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, stated “Too often a good marriage is taken for granted rather than given the nurturing and respect it deserves and desperately needs” (pg 5). In so many cases, I have watched people who are close to me, have their marriage crumble to pieces leaving themselves, their spouse, and children left in the rumble of a divorces, confused, hurt, and desperate for answers of why things go wrong. But why do things go so terribly wrong? Especially when things started off so great.
       The answers can lie in many different corners, we are all very different people. However, for a lot of marriages, like Gottman said it is when the marriage is taken for granted and not being nourished by love and respect. For a lot of couples, the dating before the marriage is based on courting, effort, dates, and so forth. When the two get married things change. Slowly the two start to take each other for granted, get frustrated at the little things, and stop trying to court the other. The thing with marriages is that it is not a 50-50 ordeal. Each have to give 100% and continue to work at their marriage.
       As we grow up, like I mentioned in the earlier post, we are told and watch fairy tales. We believe that once we find the person, we will ride off in the sun set into our happily ever after. That after we defeated the villain, it should be sweet and easy the rest of the way. But what the fairy tales didn’t tell you was that prince charming had weird hygiene routines, or that your newborn's would keep you awake at every hour of the day and you would fine baby food and random things is every inch of your house. The lack of information to the average person on how a real marriage should work is part of the problem. We go into a marriage based on false realities that we were taught, not the actual realities marriage is.
       Marriages can be an amazing thing and Gottman said that researchers have shown that married people live four to eight years longer, than those who are not married. There are so many benefits in a marriage. But to get to those benefits you have to be ready to fight, work, and put in the effort in your marriage every day. Not just for the first couple years.