Coming Closer in Your Marriage

I once was sitting in Relief Society, a recently turned 18 year old, surrounded by woman from 6-60 years older than myself. I was the only single woman in the room and I was nowhere close to getting married. The lesson we were being taught, was how to strengthen your relationship with your husband and bring a good foundation of the Gospel in your home. Needless to say, I didn’t have much knowledge on the particular subject. The sister that was teaching that Sunday, started off one of her points in the lessons by saying, “My husband and I have absolutely nothing in common, we don’t like the same hobbies or the same shows, so I was faced on the decision on how to grow closer to my husband…” Now I, being a not so mature individual, accidentally, and quite rudely, let out a whisper snotty remark about something a long the lines of, “Nothing in common,Whaa, did you guys go your single, I’m single, lets have babies!” Now other than the fact that it wasn’t the nicest thing to say, and that my what I thought whisper, traveled far enough that most of the room heard me, I was not justified in my comment. Actually, I was completely wrong to jump to the conclusion and opinion that I made.


There are many people, I have found, who get married and have almost nothing in common. The husband likes sports or gaming, the wife likes reading and music. They do not share the same hobbies or styles, but yet fell in love and wanted to spend all their life together. It very well i,s that having things in common will make the marriage a bit easier, but don’t mean that you are doomed without it. John M. Gottman, in his book, The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, talked about “Four Pillars of Shared Meaning” These including, Shared rituals in connection, like eating together at dinner. Traditions or weekly traditional gatherings to spend with each other and family. Being able to talk with each other and get to know each other and the struggles of each days draws you closer together. This can strengthen your marriage.


The next pillar being to “support each other's roles”. You and your spouse both play a part as husband and wife or mother and father. You each have roles. I don’t mean wife's in the kitchen and husbands at work. What I am trying to say, is when you get married you take on different roles that both of you will decide or naturally fall into. To become closer, you must support each other and have each other’s backs. Don’t throw someone under the bus or leave them hanging when they need help.


Number three, “Shared goals”. If you haven’t yet talked about it, sit down and figure out what your goals are for your marriage, your family, and your kids. What do both of you want to happen or strive to become. What do you want to maintain? What do you want to change? Figure out theses goals together and work towards them together. When both you and your spouse know where you are headed, you will naturally come closer together when trying to receive and accomplish those set goals.


Lastly, “Shared values”. Now not all the time are the husband and wife the same religion and beliefs. We all have different ideas and opinions. Surely having common beliefs will definitely help create a strong bond and foundation for the marriage and your family. But if this is not the case you can also sit down with your spouse and decide, what values do we want in our home? When both of you know and work towards those values it also makes you come closer together.


Having a lot in common, in the sense of what you like to do for fun, is not a make or break for marriage. Carve out time every week and/or every day to really just spend time with one another. Even if that just means over food (Which is always a delicious choice). Figure out where both of you want to go, how you want to live and support each other all the way. Make a marriage that is strong together.