Become One

I have talked before about the roles of a husband and a wife. They are different but the two vital roles should play as equal partners. But a marriage is not a 50-50. If we base our ideas on the concept that marriage is about equality and splitting it 50-50 we are doomed to fail. We have to come together and both do our best to give a 100%. President Henry B Hyring said, "Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity."

With this said, It is not just us each trying to give 100% it is making up for your spouse when they can't give a hundred percent. If we are suppose to become one, then you have to be the extra 20% if your spouse can only give 80% and so on. We have to work hard to complete one another not just giving out part and walking away for the situation or the day. We must serve one another and pick each other up when one of us can't stand on our own. We all have bad days, get tired, or are stressed, so we need to work hard to be there for each other and become one.

The sacred blessing of Physical Intimacy

When it comes to the lds church and sexuality, we believe in it we don’t hate it. There has been a huge generalization throughout the church and through people who are not a part of the church, who believe that we see sex as a sin. This is wrong. Sex is not a sin, sexual relations outside of marriage is a sin. It is the act of taking something that is so sacred, beautiful and a gift from god, to share with your spouse, and using it only out of lust with someone that you have not meant to be with for eternity. In partaking in these actions, you are tearing down and purposely stripping away the deeper spiritual beauty of Sexuality.

This misunderstanding is a huge thing that prophets and leaders of the church have tried to address. President Hugh B. Brown said, “The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose.” If we believe and are raised to believe to fear Sex. That it is a sin and the only purpose of it is to bear children, we are missing out on such a crucial and wonderful gift that we are given y God. We don’t need to fear it, or never speak of it. We should rejoice it. We should love our spouse, be spiritual and physically intimate, and love deeply, just don’t misuse or take the blessing for granted and use it in ways it is not meant for.

Tear Down Your Walls

A common issue I see in couples these days is the fact that they are so focused on their dreams and ideas for their future independently, that they build up these walls in between them and their spouses. Having a dream is a wonderful thing. It is just how far are you willing to let it affect you and your marriage. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that if you want to go to church and your spouse is athiet that you stop. I am not saying if you want to sing or go into a field of study and your spouse questions it, don’t let them hold you back. What I am saying is, we all make life plans when we are independent, single, on our own, on where our life is going to go. When a partner comes into the picture that plan will have to adapt, because it is not a duo, it is not just you anymore. But are you going to be so stubborn on keeping the plan you made on schedule, that you will build a wall between you and your partner.

I have a friend who is so extremely successful, independent and driven. She has practically planned out how her life is going to go. She wants to go to this school to get her Bachelors, this to get her masters, she wants to become a CEO , all these things, which are wonderful dreams to have! But she also wants someone who is already successful. Who is just as smart and talented and has his life together. That is another dream. She has recently found an amazing gentleman who is loving, caring, and they work so well together. However, even though he has ambitions, his grades aren’t the best, he hasn’t finalized on a career path and a major and so on, and this is making her build a wall in between her and him because her dream was supposed to be this successful intelligent man.

The guy just got done with his first year of school after a mission and took some very hard classes. He jumped right in when he wasn’t ready. He has plans and wants to support and provide it is just going to take time. But the fact that he is not where she wanted him to be when they were to be married, she is building this wall. She is so incredibly happy with him, but because of her idea and dream she made of her life when she was single and he hadn’t walked into her life. She questions walking away.

My point is, is this particular dream worth breaking hearts or throwing away something great, because it is not what you planned or initially wanted? If your spouse is not what you expected or they aren’t as clean, smart, funny, or emotionally connected as you had wished for, are you going to let that get in the way, or are you going to step back, adapt reevaluate and learn to live and love the things about them that weren’t what you expected?

It is your choice, but my advice is to learn to love them.

You are not marrying a walk in the park

When we find a person that we love and want to spend the rest of eternity with, sometimes we forget that we are also marrying issues, baggage, and a person who has different opinions, ideas, and habits than yourself. We all grow up with different backgrounds. Our parents taught us different things or we were immersed in different trials. Coming to the conclusion, we are all different. Even if you marry your best friend, someone that you have a lot in common with, there will still be differences in how you live, cope, and deal with different situations.

In John M. Gottman’s Book, The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, Gottman talks about there are two different types of problems that come up in a marriage. There are solvable problems that the couple can actually solve and move on. Then there are perpetual problems that will last your entire marriage. Sadly he stated that 69% of marital problems are actually perpetual problems that you and your spouse will continue to fight about for your entire marriage. But don’t let this scare you!

Just because there are problems or continued problems doesn’t mean that a marriage is unsatisfied. Actually the happiest of marriages have these perpetual problems, they just have noted the problem, learned how to deal or approach the problem, and mindful of the problem. The main thing you need to do is to make sure that you always listen and be mindful of not just your feelings but also your spouses as well.A marriage was never meant to be easy, but you are a team now. Be mindful of them just like you want them to be mindful of you